VISTAS: An awareness of a range of time, events, or subjects. A broad Mental View.
December 23

"He who postpones the hour of living rightly is like the rustic who waits for the river to run out before he crosses."
- Horace -


Man this has been a rough week for me, at least the pounding has finally eased and I’m almost able to think again. I think it was so bad this month because I was so stressed about Christmas. It’s one holiday I certainly hate. From the hustle and bustle at the store, to family members who I can not make understand I don’t want anything, and I don’t want to buy anything either. I don’t want to make a choice for them on an item they are almost certain to hate anyhow. I just Hate Christmas.


"The abundant life does not come to those who have had a lot of obstacles removed from their path by others. It develops from within and is rooted in strong mental and moral fiber."
- William Mather Lewis -


although the day is gone and can no longer be replaced, I find that I wished it would have been spent differently, better or worse will never be known.


today will be a long day, as it is now 4 in the morning and the last hour of sleep is evading me. it is as though I'm wide awake now but in a couple of hours when sleep will be impossible it will close over me like a darkness and hold me weighed down for the day. I hate it when I cannot sleep


If I could be free of the pain I could think of everything that I have to be thankful for.


What will Santa bring me this year?


I look back at last year, and this year is so much brighter, I believe he can love me again, something I have yearned for for so long. His touch as always brings me so much joy, his lips upon mine, bring passion and the deep yearning to be held in is arms forever. Maybe finally we have worked beyond the history and our lives can be shared forever in the happiness of days gone by.


Christmas is soon, I hate Christmas, The meaning of it has been so lost. They make me feel guilty, am I ever going to not let others down, Will I always be a failure?

How come the answers come so easily to others but never to me? What is wrong with me? I give up, I'm tired of trying. I quit, another failure, a disappointment to those who counted on me. I should have gave warning, should have said I was less than they thought, for in honesty I am no one.


Oh what shall I write today,
Another day of blank thoughts
Actually not blank but tangled

Sometimes I have so many thoughts going on inside my head I get lost. Should I do this or should I do that. I want to do this and I want to do that, add one more thing to my list..oh no where is my list.

I want to spend time with my family, I want to read a book, I want to work on my web page, I want to walk the dog, I want to dance and laugh, I want to visit friends, I want???? I want????? and I want some more. I have asked for more hours each day, but it just is not to be.