VISTAS: An awareness of a range of time, events, or subjects. A broad Mental View.
December 25

Christmas Tree
Mouse Drawn by B. J. Carper
from tutorials at
Designs by Moonlight

"The more virtuous any man is, the less easily does he suspect others to be vicious."
- Cicero -


Well the day has come and is almost gone. A good time of spending time with family, however much I hate the gift exchange thing, I do still enjoy the meal and the company. Thank You God for giving us your son.


Well the Bird talked me into a tree this year, it's kind of pretty but there were no gifts under it, so like any other Christmas today is just another day, a sad passing when Christmas is no more than tears.


well Christmas day is now an hour old. I wished others could understand how painful this day really is for me. I've never had the money to give the gifts the others have, I've always fallen short, and somehow it makes me feel much less than I am. Like I'm not good enough. Why can they not understand that for the day to be good for me would be to spend time with them. Not looking in at what everyone else got or gave, not to feel like I'm just not good enough or worthy. The gifts are a guilt trip. The money I don't have to spend, why can't I just be me, and why can't someone love me for that? That is the only gift I really wished for, for this Christmas.

There is so much emptiness in my life, and I find no reason for wanting to see the morning light. I no longer have any hope for happiness, and no hope of ever being worth anything. My tears are always silent, but yet they fall another wasted function of this shell of a body my soul lives in.

So today will be another of living hell, going through the motions pasting the false smile on my face so no one will ask what is wrong, like any of them could understand, they have the perfect worlds, and have someone else to share it with once dinner is over, me I have no one, I will go to dinner then come home to this empty and cold box, eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and prepare for work. I hate Christmas.


a nice day, lots of snow, and laughter from the little ones. Everyone there, but unfortunately I had to leave early to come home and sleep because of having to work. I wished sometimes I could have a job like normal people who get holidays off.


they came slowly, in little pockets of their own world, little feet, and large laughs. an oh and an awe at what they had gotten and I was alone


Silent night, Holy Night


Christmas morning, The gifts under the tree are so minimal, but better than last years. I stand at the kitchen sink, washing potatoes, and checking the turkey from time to time, soon his family will be here, and our house will be full. I miss the house having life, Laughter and even strife.

I really wanted to spend time with my family, but it is the least I can do for him With the new year coming, I want so badly to find the love we used to have. I want him to love me as i love him, I want him to understand that I do, and to know that I do. Somehow I don't think I'm real good at showing Love for he is always asking for it. How does someone learn to express what is so deeply in their heart, and make the other know and understand it.

He is so displeased with me, I am hoping my gesture of a romantic weekend come Valentines day will reaffirm our love for one another and this next year will bring us full circle, the circle of a hug, of the heart, and of my love for him.


Just another day
The phone rings
Are you Coming?

I can't, I have nothing to give
Just come anyhow.

I'm not leaving the house today, I want to be alone
Only for a little bit

locking the doors, pulling the curtains
hid in a cocoon of privacy


The time is 4:32 am Christmas, a day that is suppose to be filled with laughter and joy, is such a sad time this year. My son's are not here to share the day. I miss them being little, and the smiles on their faces Christmas morning always brought.

I miss the laughter and them fighting. This Christmas I find one in jail, and the other two somewhere in the world living their own lives. I knew they would grow up, I just didn't think it would be so soon.

As I set here in this dark room, nothing but the monitor screen lighting the room, I think back to Christmases past. The year of the turnip..*LOL*..The year the new bikes were bought, and how disappointed they were that it really wasn't a swing set. Our first tree together. How little it was, but I think it must have been the best.

The year of the giant tree. 14 foot tall. Bringing it home in the back seat of the firebird. Trust me I could hardly drive. Every year setting the nativity scene on the top of the TV, and each boy carefully helping. Then on Christmas morning adding the baby Jesus, to complete the scene.

I remember the last year I spent with my grandmother before she passed in March of 1983, trying to get her on the Motorcycle for my annual Christmas ride. It didn't matter that it was 10 degrees and there was a foot of snow on the ground.

You know I still have the sweater she gave me that year for Christmas. I miss my Grandma, alot, she was such a special lady. I still make her secret recipe for bread pudding for Christmas dinner, it is in the oven as I write. I feel honored that I'm the only one she ever shared the recipe with.

This year there is no snow, no motorcycle, no tree, no grandma, no kids and no laughter......